Cheryl Mendoza

OK… so again…. I haven’t written.  This totally bums me out, and have given me a crappy week.  Lent is a special time, and I try to use it as inspiration, but I am an imperfect person.  I have been looking at the why, and there are some legitimate reasons.  I work in the mortgage industry and for the past few weeks, it has been crazy!  That has taken a lot out of me.  Then of course there is the whole global pandemic thing….. Really?  Also, there are people in my sphere of influence who are dealing with real pain and I do my best to be an encouragement to them in their hurt.   And in that craziness, I’ve found it hard to keep focus.  

Why haven’t I said anything about this before?  Well there is one word for that and it’s PRIDE!  Truthfully I was embarrassed.  I want to communicate and work through my mess in front of all, so that others might feel some kinship and know that they’re not alone.   But I tell you….the pride thing gets me a lot of the time.  Anyone who reads this blog can easily see how I have “dropped” the ball.  So for a few days, I was stressed.  The crazy thing is, I didn’t know what I was stressed about?  It took days and some mirror gazing to figure out my pride was hurt.  The first year I did this….I wrote every single day!  I have yet been able to meet that first years output.  Because of that, I feel like I’ve failed.  The funny thing is, if this is failure, I am still writing more than I have in the past year.  I am failing “forward”!  And really…that is a win for me!  

So here I am …..baring my soul and it’s uncomfortable.  I hate failing! No really…. Just the thought of failing makes me beyond angry!  Failing gives everyone an opportunity to see past my “got it together” facade.    Typically if I think I am going to fail, I won’t even try in the first place.   And that has guided my steps far too much in my life.  

As a Jesus follower though, I know my pride is a killer.  It kills me and when it’s put on full display it can kill others.  So tonight, I am getting back on a different path.  I am laying it out there, for all to see!  Many may not even care, or think “What’s the big deal?”  If you think that…maybe you don’t have a pride issue.  Or maybe it’s something you have but choose not to deal with?  For me though it has the ability to seep into every area of my life and control my thoughts and actions.  And when it comes right down to it, this dishonors God and hinders me from becoming the woman He intends me to be.  And my desire about all,  is to become that woman!