So I was thinking about weeds this morning. Not sure how it came up? Maybe it was because I was sitting in my backyard and the entire thing is dirt right now because of weeds. Or it may have been because weeds, when they grow, will bring up nutrients and other minerals from deeper in the soil. Some of the things they bring up are good, but if what is in the soil is bad, then that is what the weeds will contain. That is exactly how I feel. I have some weeds growing and they are bringing up some junk that needs to be dealt with. While that in itself is not a bad thing, the means of my realization has for lack of a better word, sucked.
I was feeling better this morning after a rough day yesterday. It was hard for me, as I hadn’t slept well the previous night. I know I have stated this fact before, but sleep is paramount for my state of mind. It has been alluding me because I have been having some attacks at night. I will wake up feeling hot and I feel like I cannot breathe. Feel being the operative word. I am totally able to breathe. It is just the overwhelming anxiety that builds in seconds, that causes me not to be able to go back to sleep. They were bothering me in Paso a week ago and the night before last, it happened again. So yesterday as I googled various information, I wondered if this was a physical response to something that is happening in my brain? (Either that or hormones or both)
I am not sure what it is, but it got me thinking about my fears. Why? Because at this point I started to ask myself some questions. Why would not breathing frighten me? Well, the whole dying thing scares me. While that may scare anyone, I am a Christian and so the whole dying thing for me is covered. Right? I have to admit though, I am not acting like it. I started to think again of the fear I have of heights, travel and airplanes. It seems to me that the fears are really a fear of death. Even my fear of rodents. I mean really, they carry the plague? And that can kill ya!
I can tell you that the couple of nights where this has happened to me have been brutal. While I have not enjoyed these nights, I do now see them as the weed they are. Maybe these attacks were to bring this fear stuff back onto my radar? I think I knew that these fears all were connected to death, but I had never really owned it. I have known and fought my fears for years, but maybe I have only dealt with them in a superficial way? Maybe God is directing me to address them in a manner so He can finally eradicate them. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, so I know these character traits are not supposed to be in my life. So instead of fear and timidity, I am asking God to replace it with power, love and self-discipline. How will that look? I am not sure, but those three attributes are what God says He does give us, so I am thinking that is the best place to start.