So today I worked on finding an illustrator.  It may not sound hard, but it was.  Unfortunately, I probably am to blame for that.  I tend to overthink things, and try to figure out the odds before I even make the attempt to do something.  It is a self-defeating cycle that I tend to go through with many things, but I always do it when I am scared.

I should be really happy.  I am done with my picture book, frankly I have been done for a while, and I am just trying to find an illustrator.  So what is so hard about that?  Well, it seems that I am just a big chicken.  Fear eats at my soul, it runs that deep.  And it sucks!  I am tired of the fear, but it just continues to rear its ugly head continually.  I am beginning to feel like this post is a therapy session, I guess I should be laying down for this.

So I keep going back and forth with the idea of going to a traditional publisher, which from what I read seems near impossible.  Or going the self-publishing route, which has its own problems.  I am probably going to self-publish, because I can’t stand to hold onto it any more.  I don’t know what to do, so I stand here not doing anything.  I am getting kind of sick of myself and am done with the feeling of being stuck in the middle.  So I think I found someone to approach, but then I started rethinking it.  Maybe I should try sending to a traditional publisher?  Blah, blah, blah.  So here I am at the end of the day and have still not sent an email.  Jeez louise, how long are you going to drag your….well you know.

So I was feeling slightly (ok more than slightly) mad at myself.  When would I learn to just ignore the fear and do it?  I then kinda thought of what I had read this morning.  It is a real short bible story about a lady who is in trouble.  Her husband is dead, she has a debt to pay and she doesn’t have the money.  Luckily for her she has two sons who could pay the debt by becoming slaves of the creditor.  You can now see she has a huge problem, and as a woman, not a lot of options.  So she goes to see Elisha.  He is a prophet of God, and her husband had been in service to him before his death.  She is hoping that he can do something, and with total confidence he tells her what to do.  He instructs her to go and get as many empty jars from family and friends, so that she can fill them with oil from a small amount they have in a flask. To make a long story short, they filled many jars and the oil did not run out until all of the empty jars were full.  It was an answer to prayer, as the woman was then able to sell all of the oil and pay the debt.  Yay!  A miracle.  A great end to a good story.

I couldn’t get the woman out of my mind though, I mean really?  It is not that she just had to trust this prophet, and in effect God himself, but she had to admit it to everyone.  I can imagine the conversations she had with her friends and neighbors.  What is the jar for?  You are going to do what? That small flask is going to fill up this jar?  People probably thought that she had cracked under the strain. I am sure she got some looks, but she desperately needed a miracle.  To get that miracle she put aside whatever anxiety, pride, or fear she had and just did what she had to do.

images-2I don’t truly need a miracle, but I get the feeling that my next steps are important.  Will I continue to let fear control me, and maybe even give it a stronger presence in my life?  It makes me think, that If I let it grow stronger, what will happen when I really need to be fearless?  So I will take heart, and remember the woman from the story.  She is going to help me get up, and send an email tomorrow.  And if I get a rejection, I will think of her again, as I email the next candidate.  A no will be hard to hear, but I am trusting that just taking the step will give me the strength to take the next one.