It’s Lent and I am writing again. There have always been times I’ve found it hard to write, but after last year, it feels even harder to string sentences together. So the focus of this time of the year is something that I am relying on to help me push through. I always work better with a deadline.
I already knew what I wanted to write about, it was just the “doing it” that seemed a 
problem. I only have so much time in the day and much of it’s filled with work, family, the thought of exercise, and spending time with Jesus. So I am in a small group type of Bible study and this past week we were talking about spending time with God. Many shared how hard it was, but how they each were trying to do it. I of course already have my time carved out, and have been doing it for years. Before I could pat myself on the back,(OK…maybe I got a few pats in) I was reminded of a few things.
First of all, this happened not because of my innate wisdom. (Because I have none) It took a change in schedule, a mother looking for quiet and a lot of God’s prompting for me to have this time. Now that I look back, I can see how little changes created such a major blessing in my life. But I see now, that He’s not finished yet. It’s like He’s saying, “Hey… you’re still trying to figure out how to write, so you’re all in the same boat.” Every time I think I’ve got it down, I am reminded that I am still “under construction.” And let me be honest…. It took 19 YEARS for God to get me here. Ya…. Not a quick study am I!
So here I am again, trying to put words to paper and work out my life with a God 
who sees and knows me best. So this morning, I praise God for the time I spend each day just with Him. It is an amazing gift! I’m also looking forward to the next 40 plus days to see what else He will say.
Was this what I was going to write about? I didn’t think so… but this isn’t the first time my words have been changed, and I know it won’t be the last.
Now that it’s (mostly) behind us, we are looking forward to the new year more than we typically do. Mike is looking forward to regaining strength and feeling more like his normal self. I am looking forward to …. well I am not sure what? Don’t get me wrong… for Mike I am praying for excellent recovery, and for the boys that they would continue to make strides forward in their lives. Above all that they…….that we all would be able to know God’s presence. But while I felt foreboding last year, I am not sure what I feel this December 31st? It’s definitely not the same heaviness as last year, but it’s also not the normal New Years day feeling. 
So it’s Christmas Eve and I am fighting my feelings.
Advent.
I want to remember that in my actions, I sow seeds. They can be seeds that lift a person up, encourage and give strength. Or they can be discouraging, defeating and used to tear down.
We needed to take it easy, but we were in the mountains! How can you just sit by the pool when the trees are calling your name? We were outside of Yosemite at the wonderful Tenaya Lodge. We had gone into Yosemite Valley the day before, but there were too many people. So on Sunday we were staying close to the lodge to avoid the crowds and just get some much needed rest. The day before, I had gone and asked where the trail around the lodge started, and went to check it out. I walked for a couple of minutes and saw that it was a hard packed road, easy to walk. Perfect for a man recovering from radiation, and his exhausted wife. 
Friday was a hard day. I had been out of sorts for the last few days. Maybe it was hormones, a heavy heart, work, hate pouring through the tv screen or a combination of that and more. I was blue I guess, so yesterday morning I tried to do what would put me in a better frame of mind. I read my bible and sat in the backyard in the only cool part of the day. My yard is not any kind of oasis, but there is enough growth and color to bring me peace. So as I sat there, I chose not to open FaceBook. I typically do it, so it was kind of weird for me, but I went with and hoped that it would contribute to a more peaceful state of mind.
I asked God to help me resolve to identify those things that are a step backwards for me, and to help me go forward. To LIVE fully! Every day! To work hard, play hard and most important…. LOVE hard.
I was thinking the other day how grateful I was. We had just gotten back from a family wedding in San Diego, and it had been so much fun! It was just a moment when I was reflecting on the wedding, the love of family, the amazing time we had and how far we had come this year.
